Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Randomize