I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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