I could make wine with my vomit
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
