Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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