just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Randomize
