Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
