when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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