You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
