You're so nebulous sometimes
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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