There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
