my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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