whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
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