Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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