Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
