I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
