She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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