Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
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