I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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