Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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