I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize