Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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