Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Randomize
