ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
