I molested 6 butterflies tonight
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
