During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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