i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
