does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
