It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
