you traded sex for a burrito?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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