Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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