If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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