my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
