The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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