I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
