He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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