I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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