Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
