I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
