I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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