Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
