Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
