i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
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