It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
