Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
