I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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