Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
