when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Randomize
