i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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