Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
