Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
