God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
