Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
