i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
