And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
