my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Girls should come with a carfax report
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize