I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
