Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
