guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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