Soap is not a condiment
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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