fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
