When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
