She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
