There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize